im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
