So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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