you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
