I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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