I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
