She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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