No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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