Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the day after is always just damage control
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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