this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
