I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
