the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
