i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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