oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
