I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
