i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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