That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
