i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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