My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
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She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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