last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
