like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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