im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
