he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
