I looked at my own cervix.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
