She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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