Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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