I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
