Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
