he told me I talked like a deaf person
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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