Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
