We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
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