How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
