the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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