i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
