The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We are two peas in an std pod
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
