Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
