I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
