Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just blew my weed a kiss
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
