I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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