I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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