Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
