So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
