Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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