She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
