a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
