oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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