I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
