How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
