Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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