At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
