Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
