Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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