I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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