I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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