Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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