Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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