Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
