whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
