Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
