so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
