Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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